


Feeling is Void

by owlsandquills



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Homestuck AU, I WARN YOU NOW, Other, Sadstuck, Schizophrenia, basically "trigger" warning, dirkjake isnt the main focus, i dont know if i will finish this, if enough people want me to continue then i will, lame summary, rated M for such, sort of a vent story, this is probably going to get very emotional, yelling and violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-10
Packaged: 2018-04-14 00:55:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4543977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlsandquills/pseuds/owlsandquills
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Around nine months ago, that's when everything changed in the Strider/Lalonde household.<br/>How is Roxy going to deal with protecting her sibling from someone she thought she could trust?<br/>(lame summary I know)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feeling is Void

_… **...Do you have any idea what it's like…..**_

You open your eyes to the light of day.

Oh.

Here we go again.

Your name is Roxy Lalonde.

….not much that you really need to know really. You're a normal girl with normal dreams you guess.

The smell of smoke reaches your nostrils.

Ok you lied. You aren't exactly in a ‘normal’ position.

Because ‘living’ isn't something you've been able to do for a long time now.

You hop to your feet and make a dash for downstairs and in no time at all you make it to the kitchen.

The oven is creating thick clouds of smoke, and you can hardly see.

Thinking on your feet is something that you excel in, and thank God.

….tch. _God_.

You grab the fire extinguisher in the corner of the room.

Pull the pin, aim at the fire, and sweep the nozzle side to side dowsing the flames with white foam.

When the fire has been extinguished, and the smoke has cleared up enough or you to see, the sight of your mom sitting at the kitchen table, with all sorts of trash piled up on top of it, as if nothing had occurred doesn't surprise you in the slightest.

Sure as hell builds up a heap of fury in your chest.

“Mom.” you begin with an edge.

You shouldn't call her that, but she doesn't respond as well when you call her by her real name.

The blonde woman snaps out of her gaze and fixes her eyes on you and places a lazy smile on her face.

“Good Morning Roxy. Today is the mark of a new beginning. Did you know that? I made it happen!”

The lady slumps to her feet and trudges her way over to you.

You stand your ground.

Here we go again.

“Mom! What the FUCK were you thinking?! You can't let the oven burn like that!”

You would normally scoff at the irony there. She hasn`t been capable of ‘thinking’ for a long time.

She tries to place her hands on your shoulders, but you slap them away.

You won`t tolerate a monster impersonating your mother.

You don't look her in the eye. You can't handle how _real_ that look in her soulless eyes is.

Those _soulless_ pools of fuchsia.

“Sweetie pie-”

“DON`T CALL ME THAT!!” you holler right in her face.

She doesn't have the right to call you that anymore.

No more.

“Oh, I know you think you're getting too old for me. But you'll always be my-”

“Just tell me what you were doing!!” you step take a step backwards.

Away from the beast.

“Roxy” she begins in a _fake_ friendly tone “I am a peaceful loving person.”

_Fake._

“And I would never do anything that would hurt you.”

_Fake._

“I was warding away the vermin of this house. Spirits are warded off by the smoke of sage.”

_It's all fake!!_

You hold back the wave of rage building up within you, and abscond back up to your room.

_**Fake**. It's all fake!!_

You make sure to open up all the windows in the house to let out the smoke.

Not too long after, you hear footsteps march down the staircase. Footsteps that you recognize not to be your mom`s.

“What the hell happened in here? Did Nick Cage make his grand entrance or something?”

You turn around to see your little sarcastic shit for a brother. Although it's not all annoying, it humors you quite a bit.

Oh he's so much like Dirk.

“Oh Dave. You've been hanging around John way too much.” you giggle.

“Hey, the nerd grows on you. But seriously, did you almost burn down the kitchen making your amazing apple pie or something.”

“No, mom did.”

And with that, his eyebrows narrow and his mouth becomes a straight line.

“Oh.”

Oh indeed.

It started around nine months ago.

Everything was all hunky dory over here and life was actually pretty good.

It started with the panic attacks. She kept insisting that she was ok and that she was just having some anxiety issues. You figured that it was anxiety of her eldest son getting married. Or perhaps even the fact that she just had a baby a year and a half prior to the wedding. We thought it was nothing.

But it didn't stop there.

It became carelessness.

She would forget to pick us up from things, drive recklessly, acting strange.

It then progressed to her having full on meltdowns.

Screaming in the middle of the night, slamming her head on the wall and telling ‘them’ to stop, randomly laughing or crying at some of the most inappropriate times. She would even pack us all up in the car and say we were going for a ride, we would keep asking where we were going but she told us to shut up and enjoy the ride, and then drive aimlessly for hours at a time. And the messes she creates. She would actually go out and buy shit just to create more clutter.

Dirk got reeeeeaaaally lucky for getting out right at the calm before the cold. He and his husband moved out of state because they both were given great work opportunities that were too good to turn down.

You and Dave really need him back right now.

But he just got married almost a year ago to a loving husband (you really like Jake as a brother in law), has a career and a life, and is probably going to want kids really soon.

He is a full grown adult, he can't have the worries of his childhood tie him down. Although if things get really bad and you end up having to leave, at least you know you have a place to go.

You should probably tell your big brother what's happened since he's been gone.

But you just,

_can't._

Dave misses him just as much as you, and he pretty much agrees with you on that fact. He even helps you take care of the two year old.

Oh baby Rose. She will grown up to never know her true mother. Only this thing that she's become. You and Dave both promised to look after her as well as each other.

You especially though. With Dirk gone that makes you the oldest and as the big sister, you have siblings to protect.

If only you could shield them from what they are being exposed to because of this.

You can at least protect them from the horrors of the foster system. And for that, you must keep a secret.

Hope and pray that nobody will peer on through the curtains, that everybody will keep thinking that-

we're a perfect family.

  
  


“Come on Roxy. Why can't you come over?” your friend`s voice says through the phone.

It's your best friend Jane, and god you really hate lying to her most of all.

“I already told you Janey. I just can't.”

“Well in that case, can't I come over there?”

Shit-

“No! I mean, right now is just not a good time. I`ll explain later.”

“You always say that!”

_Smash._

The noise echos throughout the house.

“Roxy what was that?”

“Gotta go.”

“Roxy wai-”

You hang up the phone and dash downstairs.

_Smash. Smash._

“GO AWAY! THE SAGE WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU STOP! YOU'RE DEAD! STOP HAUNTING THE LIVING!!”

You make it to the kitchen inc sync with Dave to see your mom screaming and smashing dishes across the room. The shattered pieces becoming another thing to litter the kitchen.

“MOM! STOP!” you yell out with the slight hope that she may hear you.

  
  


**_……..Do you know what it's like, to watch someone go insane?_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :0)  
> Comments and Kudos are appreciated.


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